It appears as though I am clogged. Blocked. Impassible. Closed off. I am speaking about my Chakras. None of them are clear, apparently. All Chakras are closed; well, one is weak, at best. What do I do? And why am I letting some whackadoodle online snake oil presence make me feel bad? I am ordinarily a pretty skeptical and “show me” sort of person. I think everything is bullshit, cuz it usually is. But on a lark I took the Chakra test (see, I’m even capitalizing Chakra, as though it is something Sacred). My test results came back and I felt the diagnosis was something akin to being told I had some sort of incurable illness.
My foot Chakra was closed, meaning that I am not grounded – that is a load of crap – I am grounded. Bullocks to that one. But based on their scientific questions, what if they’re right? Am I not grounded – and how do I open my foot Chakra? Do I upgrade my pedicures from basic to super luxury which includes a sea salt scrub, foot mask, followed by hot towel wrap, and finished with hot paraffin wax? My wintered feet are quite calloused…maybe this will help. But I don’t think that’s what they’re talking about. I will need to study this further.
My root Chakra is weak – ok, I’ll grant them that one – it has to do with money, which I’m not good with, and career. I am new to my second career and although things are good, it’s not going gangbusters and perhaps I could be more strong in this regard.
My sacral Chakra is CLOSED. Well they are just dead wrong about this one and I don’t even want to talk about it.
My personal power Chakra is CLOSED. I also call bullshit on this one; I’ve made great strides in my self-esteem and confidence…maybe I wasn’t having a good day when I answered their bullshit questions.
My heart Chakra is CLOSED. What the fuck?
My throat Chakra is CLOSED. Again wtf? I am not known for shy violetness or not speaking my mind. Jesus.
My intuitive Chakra is CLOSED. Yes, I have no intuition about anything. I’m totally closed and don’t have hunches and can’t suss anything out. Again, fuck you, snake oil Chakra-mongers.
My crown Chakra is CLOSED. This is the one regarding higher power or spirituality. Again, I don’t know how they determined this from their little bo peep questionnaire about my deeply personal values, but again, I’m gonna call bullshit and also shenanigans; you are just trying to sell me some kookoo videos with your whacky new age blatherings.
Ah, there now, I believe I’ve just cleared out all my Chakras in this post just as if I’ve downed a can of Drano or used the toilet snake to clear out the cosmic debris of my aura. I got shit I gotta do now.