It all caught up with me today. The gravity of the losses. Whom do I miss the most, and all of that sort of stuff. Boxing Day grievings. I was good all the way through yesterday and then this afternoon the sorrow hit I guess. I am not even certain I can write about this right now….
Losses from 21 years ago can carry the same weight that a loss from one or two years ago can – that never ceases to amaze me. I suppose it depends on who they were and how we lost them. The shock of sudden deaths affect us in much different ways than losing someone to a long and protracted illness.
Yeah I think there’s something after this, I don’t know what or where. I think it’s beyond human comprehension and I try not to think about it too often. I believe it’s arrogant to think that we know it’s heaven or hell or whatever…but yeah, something else happens, I do believe that. Are our dearly departed in a better place? I don’t know…maybe. Maybe it’s just different, not necessarily better. But then, I dunno, maybe all that Catholic training I had had some merit, and I’m totally wrong. Maybe there’s a heaven, hell, purgatory, and limbo, where unbaptized babies go (I think that was what the deal was for limbo.) I’m quite out of date with Catholic holdings these days, so maybe the stance on limbo has changed.
But back to my somewhat maudlin mood today. I treat the holidays cavalierly and with much irreverence, but the fact of the matter is that the ones I miss the most loved Christmas very much and perhaps that’s why I think of them this day after. Are they watching me from up above and judging me and reporting to God? No, no, I don’t think so…I mean no. Definitely not. I don’t believe that.