Tag Archives: catholic

Do I Mind?

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No, I don’t, actually. Keeping in mind that I’m talking about mindfulness, which I am dutifully learning about and thinking about trying on for size. Do I mind? Well, maybe I could… Could I meditate? Could I stop my busy buzz buzz noggin and settle in for a quiet sit? Maybe after an hour of walking, swimming or yoga – but that’s so hard. Oh there you go with the negativity, buzzy noggin. I’m working with a Zen master who could certainly teach me how to quiet things down up there, but I’m worried that my eyes will start twitching and watering, or I’ll start laughing or something. Do I have to quit coffee to do this – cuz I don’t want to give up coffee – it’s like my last addiction and I think I’m allowed to have my last addiction, come on! Maybe “unplugging” one day a week would be advisable…I could be getting a wee bit stressed from being hunched over this laptop to which I’ve become enslaved. No, I’m fine. Really.  zencoffee

I can’t even calm down during massages, and I’ve got a super massage therapist. At least I feel comfortable with telling her I can’t relax. I’ve been to massage practitioners where I felt I had to act a certain way during the massage, lest they judge me – now that’s just wrong, isn’t it? Jesus, I’m paying them to relax me and I’m worrying about what they think of me. I am one mixed up puppy. So now I have a regular therapist with whom I can say anything…I’ve been going to her for years and it’s like finding that one person who can cut your hair right – you need to foster and nourish that relationship just like your best friendship or even your marriage.

My typical exercise for relaxation is taking my two dogs out to the dogpark, letting them run and I walk a couple of miles. I’m on edge out there, too; what if I don’t catch Egor pooping – he sometimes runs way ahead and does his business where I can’t see him. I bring bags and clean up after them if I catch them, but, you know, shit happens. There are “poop police” out there, I swear, waiting to find the terrible, terrible dog owners who didn’t pick up. They even try to shame you on a Facebook page. Another anxiety is 95 pound Iggy, who occasionally likes to bark at guys, especially if they are wearing a hat and carrying one of those ball-throwing things – they just piss him off and he expresses himself to them. He just barks a couple of times, but it always hurts the barkee’s feelings and I always feel the need to apologize for Iggy’s insensitivity and explain that he’s just saying “Hi” in a really loud voice. Then I walk away, embarrassed.

Am I overly concerned about things? Maybe so. But maybe I’m already mindful…how about that? Maybe I’m not a nervous nelly ~ I have already reached a mindful, Zen state; I am just not aware of it yet. Yeah ok, I thought not. A mindful practice is just that – practice – and I know it takes a certain amount of discipline to do that. I’m not good with discipline – the word reminds me of Catholic school. Could we find another word for discipline? The words “obedience” and “regiment” come to mind, never mind. I need to just bite the bullet and try some guided meditation. So what if my eyes twitch and water? I will just have to accept that with loving kindness towards myself. See, I can do this.

Losing Losses

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It all caught up with me today. The gravity of the losses. Whom do I miss the most, and all of that sort of stuff. Boxing Day grievings. I was good all the way through yesterday and then this afternoon the sorrow hit I guess. I am not even certain I can write about this right now….

Losses from 21 years ago can carry the same weight that a loss from one or two years ago can – that never ceases to amaze me. I suppose it depends on who they were and how we lost them. The shock of sudden deaths affect us in much different ways than losing someone to a long and protracted illness. heaven

Yeah I think there’s something after this, I don’t know what or where. I think it’s beyond human comprehension and I try not to think about it too often. I believe it’s arrogant to think that we know it’s heaven or hell or whatever…but yeah, something else happens, I do believe that. Are our dearly departed in a better place? I don’t know…maybe. Maybe it’s just different, not necessarily better. But  then, I dunno, maybe all that Catholic training I had had some merit, and I’m totally wrong. Maybe there’s a heaven, hell, purgatory, and limbo, where unbaptized babies go (I think that was what the deal was for limbo.) I’m quite out of date with Catholic holdings these days, so maybe the stance on limbo has changed.

But back to my somewhat maudlin mood today. I treat the holidays cavalierly and with much irreverence, but the fact of the matter is that the ones I miss the most loved Christmas very much and perhaps that’s why I think of them this day after. Are they watching me from up above and judging me and reporting to God? No, no, I don’t think so…I mean no. Definitely not. I don’t believe that.