Tag Archives: maudlin

And When I Die….


I’m not dying or anything, but I have a rather morbid preoccupation with planning the playlist for when I die (perfect Halloween theme here….) I guess I’ve just been to many funerals of people I’ve known who would’ve absolutely HATED the music played at their wake and funeral – I know, I know, they weren’t THERE. But suppose they were…. Anyway, here are some of my bequests:
Frank Zappa – Peaches in Regalia
Funkadelic – Maggot Brain
The Stooges – I Got a Right
Patti Smith – Gloria
The Kinks – This is Where I Belong

The MC5 – Kick out the Jams (the Motherfucker version – I don’t care, I’ll be dead, sorry, Aunt Nancy, if you’re there)

The Beatles – In my life (ok, that’s sort of a standard funeral one)
The Beatles – Helter Skelter
Pink Floyd – Lucifer Sam
Tiny Tim – Livin’ in the Sunlight, Lovin’ in the Moonlight
The Stooges – Down on the Street
Sonic’s Rendezvous – City Slang
The Animals – It’s my Life
Cows – Hitting the Wall
Then there’s some stuff like Muslimgauze and other droning things like Big Lights in a Fat City I’d have playing in the background while the mourners eat and get drunk, and a few Irish tunes – Boiled in Lead playing Son O Son and Step it up, Mary.
I better put this in my will. Oh yeah, I better write a will.
What’s in your death mix?

I’m Balanced



Oh this is so unbelievably excellent. I’ve landed a job interview tomorrow with a place I really, REALLY want to work at. So so excited! I had a very good recommendation to this job and I have an extremely good chance of nailing it. It’s a job that has meaning and purpose. I have, for so many years, just toiled away, justifying what I did for a living was just a paycheck — I could never actually do my real “life’s” work and earn a decent living from something that is actually worthwhile.



Oh, I need to calm down and not seem too anxious. What if I seem too anxious? Oh, no, how do I appear confident and not nervous? I’m so nervous. Geez, what is wrong with me? Now I don’t want to appear overconfident, either, that’s not cool. Aw, what’s the use? I won’t get it. Nothing good ever happens to me.

Losing Losses


It all caught up with me today. The gravity of the losses. Whom do I miss the most, and all of that sort of stuff. Boxing Day grievings. I was good all the way through yesterday and then this afternoon the sorrow hit I guess. I am not even certain I can write about this right now….

Losses from 21 years ago can carry the same weight that a loss from one or two years ago can – that never ceases to amaze me. I suppose it depends on who they were and how we lost them. The shock of sudden deaths affect us in much different ways than losing someone to a long and protracted illness. heaven

Yeah I think there’s something after this, I don’t know what or where. I think it’s beyond human comprehension and I try not to think about it too often. I believe it’s arrogant to think that we know it’s heaven or hell or whatever…but yeah, something else happens, I do believe that. Are our dearly departed in a better place? I don’t know…maybe. Maybe it’s just different, not necessarily better. But  then, I dunno, maybe all that Catholic training I had had some merit, and I’m totally wrong. Maybe there’s a heaven, hell, purgatory, and limbo, where unbaptized babies go (I think that was what the deal was for limbo.) I’m quite out of date with Catholic holdings these days, so maybe the stance on limbo has changed.

But back to my somewhat maudlin mood today. I treat the holidays cavalierly and with much irreverence, but the fact of the matter is that the ones I miss the most loved Christmas very much and perhaps that’s why I think of them this day after. Are they watching me from up above and judging me and reporting to God? No, no, I don’t think so…I mean no. Definitely not. I don’t believe that.